The First Anniversary

Noah passed away one year ago today.  On that day my world turned into complete chaos.  I felt a pain I’d never felt before.  A void filled me with a great deal of heaviness.  And my heart broke.

Anticipating the first anniversary of Noah’s death has been stressful.  I’ve been dreading this day.  I was scared of what this day would bring.

MLH and I did plan for this day though.  We’re advised not to let key dates such as this one just “happen” upon us.  Part of our plan was to run together and dedicate the run to Noah.  So this morning at 5:16 am we did just that.

As I started running I began thinking about Noah.  Focusing on his strength and courage always inspires me.  His tiny, young, precious body endured so much; way too much for anybody, really.  For only about one hour of his life was he free of IVs, monitors, lines and connections to other medical devices.  He underwent four major medical procedures including surgery on his heart!   I began pushing myself a little harder and faster.  My heart rate climbed.  The next thing I knew, I was done.  It was a good run, especially given that my ankle is not 100% yet.  I felt pretty strong.

So far today has not turned out to be what I was expecting.  I guess I really didn’t know what to expect.  If anything I thought I’d experience something similar to what I went through yesterday.  I don’t feel good but I don’t feel like I did yesterday.  I admit I cried a couple of times already today but they felt almost like productive yet gentle cries.  I think I even felt a little better afterwards.  I don’t know why today is going the way it is.  I’d like to think it’s because I had a nice run with my son first thing this morning.  Yeah, I like that explanation; I’m sticking to it.

We bought this candle to light on his birthday and today.

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