I used to believe I would be someone special in the world. As child I dreamed of becoming President of the United States, that is until my aunt painstakingly informed me that I could never achieve this. (A person who is not born in the U.S. cannot lead this country. I was born in Korea.) It didn’t matter; I still had big dreams of becoming someone special, someone of significance in this world. I set my sights on Secretary of State for the longest time. My dreams continued to evolve but I consistently believed I would be something great, someone special.
Then Noah came into my life. Subtly and at times not so subtly I began to realize that my mark on the world isn’t going to be a special one. In fact my world changed. No longer did it consist of international relations, stock markets, equal rights, taxes, etc. Instead it was made up mainly of Noah, MLH, Abigail & Madeleine and a group of highly specialized individuals involved in Noah’s care. And it wasn’t up for discussion on whether I’d make a huge impact in it. I so very much wanted to; I needed to.
With Noah’s passing I failed to make the critical mark on my tight, little fragile world. I lost my son after all.
The world consisting of world leaders, currency fluctuations, and back-to-school sales continued moving forward in time. People’s lives didn’t stop when Noah died. But my small world stopped and — if you can believe it — actually got even smaller very fast. And it kept shrinking for a while. In many ways, it got to a point where my little world gave me great comfort and security. I didn’t interact with many people. I spent most of my time with MLH, Abigail & Madeleine and a very small group of my dearest friends and members of my family.
As you may have picked up from previous posts my world is expanding – mainly thanks to training and racing. As I continue to increase my focus on triathlons I’m slowly becoming more open and perhaps more comfortable with being social!
I think I still want to be someone special but just in my tight, little world. I want to live a life that honors my son; showers love on my husband and provides support for my community. While I’m just another random person at the checkout counter, taking the bus, riding my bike or swimming laps in a pool, I do feel special in my world. I believe this is much more satisfying than being something like President of the United States; it’s far more special.