Tag Archives: anniversary

Recalibrate

A very good friend of mine used this term in a recent conversation.  It resonated with me quite a bit.  Yes, it’s the new year so it may seem like this word is an obvious word to ponder over at this time.  And December and January have been pretty rough for me with Noah’s birthday, death anniversary, the holidays and my birthday in between.  I’m now making my way through the other side of this challenging season and recalibrating is perhaps one aspect of moving to the other side of it.

But when this friend introduced “recalibrate” into our discussion, not only did I relate a lot to this word but I also realized I’ve been constantly recalibrating ever since learning about Noah’s diagnosis.  Then when MLH and I lost Noah,  I feel like I’ve been recalibrating in overdrive (consciously and subconsciously).

I feel as though I’ve been recalibrating almost every aspect of my life:

  • Goals, values & priorities:  What was important to me before Noah came into my life doesn’t cleanly match up to what’s important to me now.
  • Personal & professional successes:  My definitions of both successes have changed quite a bit and they continue to be tweaked.  Professionally I think I’m focusing more on building something. Perhaps it’s a way of helping to create a legacy for Noah.  Personally I think I’ve already shared some of this.
  • Relationships:  I’m very thankful for the deep and amazing relationships I do have.  As many in the world already know, one does learn who her authentic friends and supporters really are during the hard times.  In fact, grief counselors and other bereaved parents have advised that a parent’s rolodex will change and most likely shrink after losing a child.  And while I’m very sad and disappointed about these broken relationships, I am also very grateful for the ones I still have and the new ones that Noah introduced into my life.
  • Time: To this day I still don’t have a decent grasp of time.  I’ve actually missed appointments because of this.  (Before Noah, I can confidently claim I NEVER did this; I was always well aware of the clock and calendar.)  I cannot relate to the saying, “time flies.”  There are moments when this innocent, off-the-cuff comment triggers some sad emotions.  Also I find I have to pause and think about dates or even look at a calendar to give me accurate context.
  • Wellness & fitness:  Probably the most obvious area that’s being recalibrated almost all of the time.  Given the focus of this blog, I don’t think I need to elaborate.

I think what I’ve been doing is recalibrating to find my new normal.  But I guess even when — or IF? – I do find this, I’ll probably continue to recalibrate on a regular basis, maybe just not as frequently.  Perhaps everyone should recalibrate every so often since life doesn’t stand still and circumstances – good and bad – change.

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The First Anniversary

Noah passed away one year ago today.  On that day my world turned into complete chaos.  I felt a pain I’d never felt before.  A void filled me with a great deal of heaviness.  And my heart broke.

Anticipating the first anniversary of Noah’s death has been stressful.  I’ve been dreading this day.  I was scared of what this day would bring.

MLH and I did plan for this day though.  We’re advised not to let key dates such as this one just “happen” upon us.  Part of our plan was to run together and dedicate the run to Noah.  So this morning at 5:16 am we did just that.

As I started running I began thinking about Noah.  Focusing on his strength and courage always inspires me.  His tiny, young, precious body endured so much; way too much for anybody, really.  For only about one hour of his life was he free of IVs, monitors, lines and connections to other medical devices.  He underwent four major medical procedures including surgery on his heart!   I began pushing myself a little harder and faster.  My heart rate climbed.  The next thing I knew, I was done.  It was a good run, especially given that my ankle is not 100% yet.  I felt pretty strong.

So far today has not turned out to be what I was expecting.  I guess I really didn’t know what to expect.  If anything I thought I’d experience something similar to what I went through yesterday.  I don’t feel good but I don’t feel like I did yesterday.  I admit I cried a couple of times already today but they felt almost like productive yet gentle cries.  I think I even felt a little better afterwards.  I don’t know why today is going the way it is.  I’d like to think it’s because I had a nice run with my son first thing this morning.  Yeah, I like that explanation; I’m sticking to it.

We bought this candle to light on his birthday and today.

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