I’m spending an increasing amount of time on work these days. Yes, this development is positive and I’m truly excited about my work. But since there’s a fixed number of hours in a day, I’m having to rethink my training sessions. I’m trying to figure out how to focus more on quality than quantity. Others already know how to do this, and I hope to learn from them.
Again I know in my heart and head that this is a very good chapter I’ve begun. I’ve expanded my world to include my career. I’m meeting with various vendors, networking, taking a couple of courses, collaborating with different specialists and next month I’ll attend a trade show. I’m setting non-triathlon-related goals and making good progress towards meeting them.
For a while I was not comfortable with this change because I felt I was shortening my special time with Noah. I’m either cutting back on the length of my training sessions and/or increasing my concentration on drills and new objectives to deliver higher quality workouts. From preparing for the session to warming up to completing the workout to cooling down to showering to returning to work has me identifying ways to shave off time and become more efficient as well. Before I had many more moments to just be in the present; to just be with Noah. Now I don’t.
However I’ve begun to realize that while my special time may be shortened and I have fewer opportunities to just be with my son, my true connection probably — hopefully? — has not been compromised. In some ways I feel like my connection has deepened even more. When I’m struggling with a climb, trying to maintain a higher pace, feeling pain somewhere in my body or thinking of stopping, he’s always right there. I don’t find myself actually initiating thoughts of him as often. His presence seems to be pervasive and constant; it’s much more natural than second nature. Many times it feels like he’s my shadow (or I’m his) and we’re one. I used to remind myself of all he went through – all of the poking, machines, pain, hunger…everything. Now what he endured during his way-to-short-of-a-life can feel like it’s seeping through my body. Sometimes I feel this in my heart, sometimes it’s an intellectual experience and many times it’s spiritual. As odd as it may sound, when I’m having to engage my legs, my core or other muscles in my body during a climb, run or even strength training I can feel him there. And of course there’s always my breathing and the beating of my heart.
Then there’s my work. While the time I spend starting my business and building my first product is very different from training, this time is about Noah too. He inspired me to start this company. I believe our training and racing will always be our very special time together but I am greatly comforted by the fact that he’s still very much with me as I work on my — OUR — company.
In a twisted way I was fortunate to have a great amount of time to spend with Noah over the past two years as I trained and raced. (I know! What an odd statement! All of these words should not be in the same sentence when talking about time after losing a loved one, should they?!) I definitely miss this. However, in many ways I do think he’s so much more a part of me and my daily life. I love you, Noah.
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